From Dr. Jane's Notebook

When Your Child Becomes a Patient

Being a consumer of professional services can be a difficult task. While we may all appreciate and admire the expertise of good professionals (doctors, lawyers, dentists, educational specialists, speech therapists, etc.), these services are not always "fun" on the receiving end. While they are most often aimed at preventing or correcting problems, they are costly in time, money, and sometimes, emotional health.

And if being a consumer of such services were not difficult enough to receive as an adult, it is even more difficult to be the parent of a child who needs these services.

Parents who must enroll their children in various services or programs may experience a number of dilemmas. They may have feelings of ambivalence; caught between "wanting the best for my child" and "hating the fact of needing such services." Neither is it easy to allow someone else to work with our children. This requires trust and confidence in the professional, and unconsciously, we may fight their growing relationship. Finally, depending upon the frequency of the services, we may experience a "crisis of scheduling" when appointments must be made during the work day.

In the face of these personal conflicts, it is not easy to convince your child that the services are actually in his/her best interest. And if pain or personal effort is required of the child, then we must also be convincing about its value in the long-run in order to enlist the child's cooperation.

This process can be most stressful for all concerned. As a guideline for approaching this task, I recommend the following:

Confront the ambivalence, anger, jealousy or frustration in yourself first. This can be accomplished through talking to another adult, a professional or by writing down your feelings to help clarify them in your own mind. It is important to resolve this ambivalence so that you do not communicate it to your child; lest they sense it and join in the "resistance."
Establish a "working relationship" with the professional. Be an informed and involved consumer on behalf of your child so that you feel confident of the service's value, and so that your family's reactions are being considered. Remember: Changes occurring in the life of any family member are felt by all family members to some extent.
Give the child who is receiving these services responsibility for his/her participation. Explain to them the necessity of the services, their long-range value, and then be sympathetic to the child's frustration. It is not easy for them to be passive recipients of services provided by adults. Especially when they must surrender to painful or stressful experiences; they too need a "sounding board."

However, while it is important to encourage the child to share their feelings with you, it is not advisable to discuss your child's situation with others in front of him. This only exacerbates the child's self-consciousness and harms self-esteem.

When lifestyle changes are imposed upon us through medical, legal or educational circumstances many of our resources may become strained. To help sort out the effects, it is helpful for the entire family to sit down together, discuss the situation, and align the efforts of all family members so as to maximize the results of the professional services and enhance interpersonal support within the family.

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Last Updated August 30, 1998 by Gary M. Grandon, Ph.D.